All day long, many thoughts have been floating around in my mind. Many which I do understand and many that I can't seem to comprehend. Here I am, still asking myself questions about these thoughts, some I have answers to and some I don't. This, I guess is what makes me feel confused. That's maybe why many times I act the way that I do.
You see, I have grown very attatched to this friendship that we have. And in a way it's just unbelieveable to me, for the reason that it's happened in only one year. I mean, I never get so close to anyone so fast yet with you I have gotten closer than ever. There's something about you that just feels so right.....it's made me open up to you in a way I have never done before.
Through out my life, which hasn't been that long, I have learned to keep my distance between others, I make sure not to ley anyone know so much about me. This, to me, has been like a security fence. I'v always put it up to guard myself against others. It's there to allow me to get close to people in may different ways yet keep me at a distance from them. This is probably because I don't want to give anyone the opportunity to hurt me. See, I remember this one time, It took me a long time to take my fence down but I did and I let someone in on me. Thinking that because this other person and I had worked so hard for our friendship, I would never get hurt. But what was I thinking.....it didn't work that way. Before I even knew it I was hurting inside. with you, I'll be honest, I took my fence down about two weeks ago. The night we both set our first intimate memory, remember?! I don't know what it is you felt, all I know is that even though I have not given my self to you physically that night I gavemy self to you in heart and soul. And that, I have never done with anyone before. I hope you do remember what I'm talking about.
Anyway.....that fence I was talking about, is still up with everyone else and will continue to stay that way. That's just the way I work. That's, I guess, the reason why at times it's hard for me to express the way I truly feel. I see my self and I have discovered that actually I'm not as affectionate with people as I thought I was. I don't go around sharing my emotions with everyone close to me. This fence is there to somewhat hide all of that and show only that *SMILE* I'm always telling evryone to wear.
Bottom line is, you've worked your way through to the other side of my fence and I have allowed you to come close. With hopes that this friendship that we have does not hurt us in the long-run. we've worked so hard to get to where we're at and it hasn't been easy. And the fact that I see that you keep on trying to make this friendship grow stronger makes me realize that you're as true to this friendship as I am to you. to me, what we have is very special and I don't want to lose it for anyhting in the world. My fear of losing this frienship is a s great as your fear of death. this is what the message I left on your voice-mail said this morning. I wasn't able to tell you how I felt over the phone because I felt as if my throat was closing up on me and (going back to the fence issue) I was scared of lshowing you my true colors. I now that I have to overcome this fear I have been feeling inside lately but it's somewhat hard. You have told me time and time again not to worry about it but it's something I feel and I know I have to work on it.
You just can't imagine how much you mean to me and it would kill me inside to see what we have come undone. you have brought so many good times over the phone and the net. You make me laugh with the crazy things and ideas you come up with and you always manage to put a smile on my face. Heh! Sometimes I wonder, what the hek I'm going to do with you? Sweetheart, in other words you are above all a great friend. But not becuase I think of you as this, it means that I'm going to take advantage of our friendship. I mean, it's hard for me to go on the SPRINT PCS site to pick out a phone. I hope you understand. Other than flowers, candy, balloons, and stuffed animals I have never gotten anything else. And, it's not like me to say "OH1 yea sure buy me this cause this is what I want!" Now, I'm noone to tell you what to dowith your money baby. It's up to you to get me what you want if you still want to. I will say though, that any gift I recieve from you I will accept with all my heart. But please don't make me go out an pick something for you to buy me. You might call me old school and stuff but that's the way I am adn I hope you understand.
Well, this is just the way I feel and think and I wanted to share it with you. With hopes that may years from now we can both look back and reminise abou the times we have shared, still holding on to a friendship stronger than ever. Baby, I will take the liberty to remind you QUE TE QUIERO MUCHO and that if we ahve these little fibs they are just challenges in the game of LIFE to see how much we can take and how much we care for each other. That no matter what, with me you will always have a friend and a special place in my heart. I hope someday you can share your feelings with me that way I ahve done with you.
With Love, Sofia Sorry about the misspellings I was getting kicked out of the lab......NPTK